


A Thing I Can't See

by Kate_Reid



Series: Time And Again [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Gen, Introspection, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 09:32:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18118076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Reid/pseuds/Kate_Reid
Summary: Kylo is alone with his thoughts.





	1. Trust

**Author's Note:**

  * For [situation_normal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/situation_normal/gifts), [Flawless_Sorcerer_Supreme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flawless_Sorcerer_Supreme/gifts).



> All of my thanks to my beta, my dear [situation_normal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/situation_normal), who brings the best common sense in the kindest way.

Weather affects Kylo more than he’d like.  Somehow, the atmospheric conditions get into his Force-sense and influence it.  When he’s planetside, he’s inevitably caught in the rain, no matter the normal climate of wherever he is.  The rain finds him way too often. 

It’s  his own decision to move along anonymously on these planets, in these cities--just a traveler trying to get on his way, slipping in and out of cheap motels and diners, much as his father would have. He curses his inheritance in those times, however paradoxically; it’s precisely the things he learned from Han that get him through.  

Kylo’s acceptance of the route that sent him is both his success and his downfall.  The path to where he is has shaped him irrevocably. He thinks on this, huddled in corners where he feels crushed, staring up at the stars in their various configurations.  

No matter where he is, he’s overwhelmed by the stars that light his night.  The sky is different everywhere, but there are always stars.

The teachings of his former master aren’t lost on him, weren’t ever lost, really.  Whenever Snoke had told him that one day he’d  _ devour _ stars, he’d always scoffed.  But now he wonders at it, marvels at the array over his head.  Was it possible he could have drawn the energy from  _ just one _  of those bright pinpricks? Given spark to the Force within him and made him all-powerful, if even for a moment?

He is a descendant of twin suns--those on Tatooine had shone over Anakin and over Luke.  He can’t picture himself consuming those suns; they should shine the same as they ever did over his grandfather and his uncle.

When he takes a moment to look up at the stars now, he faces them down.  He’s not overcome this time--for all the good it does him, really. But he can see the stars, even after his master’s gone.  He can see them, and he’ll look up at them as long as he can, though he knows his defiance of a dead man is fruitless.

He feels good; his staring up is only for  him now. The stars are visible to him, and for the first time in a while, they’re only distant beauty to enjoy.  They’re only reminders that time has sent him exactly where he should be.

And maybe  he’s a moon; a moon has no purpose but to circle and spin around the real thing--a sun or a powerful planet.  He’d spent his youth in his parents’ orbit; he’d spent a chunk of his adulthood in Snoke’s orbit--all his life spent subordinate to the life-force of others, no matter whom.

He couldn’t remember actually _wanting_  to give himself up to anyone or anything until he’d met the girl--the girl he’d heard so much about.

There are worse things, he supposes, than surrendering to Rey’s orbit. If he’s a moon, he’s one that can only reflect her light, powerless to do otherwise.  

He’s serene now, and maybe he shouldn’t be.  It’s only because he’s got a little hope now, a tiny thing that he’s kindled in his heart, mostly ignoring it for fear it would die. He doesn’t dare pay too much attention to it, because he doesn’t think he knows what to name it--and is only too afraid that he does.  That emotion he can’t call by its proper name--it might save him. 

He’s now in an odd, ambiguous place, dazed by the deaths of both his masters within hours of each other.  Only one thing is clear to him--he will never serve anyone else, never call another “Master.” Kylo’s trust has burnt away to nothing.  

The scav-- _Rey_ \--doesn’t owe him anything.  But her presence has an effect on him, gives him a feeling that he’d tear down the galaxy to feel again.  When he’d fought back-to-back with her, he’d known a fearlessness beyond anything he’d ever known. He knew now that what he’d confused before for a lack of fear was simply a near-suicidal recklessness, born of a certain apathy raised by his revelation that he no longer believed in Snoke.

He can’t depend on her to pull him from the depths.  That’s on him. He has work to do. He’d been angry at first, for a little bit, after watching her close the Falcon’s hatch as his father’s dice disappeared in his hand.  But as he left Crait, he knew he had no right to anything but indifference from her. And indifference was still kinder than he deserved. He’d given orders that she be blown out of the sky.  He’d _tried to kill her_ just that day. 

This is why he finds himself wandering anonymously, cloaked and disguised, just a little bit of Force-glamour over his features to render him unrecognizable and nondescript.  For the first time in his life, Kylo Ren’s destiny is completely his. It doesn’t belong to his parents, or to his uncle, or to Snoke. It’s Ben’s and Ben’s alone. And it terrifies him.  His mind races with plans.

First and foremost is attempting to make amends with Rey.  They’d shared so much over their Force bond, enough that she had been confident enough to come to him.  And they’d defeated Snoke and his guard _together_. And then he’d ruined all of it in a matter of seconds with his foolish offer.  How stupid and arrogant had he been?! His first action as a free man had been to drive off the one bright spot he could see in the galaxy, then compound his error later on Crait . . . 

He’s got to get himself together.  He’s a grown man, not that strange boy whose very existence had been a burden on himself and others.  


	2. A Star

Kylo doesn’t believe for a minute that the bond between him and Rey had been wholly forged by Snoke.  No, that was more than likely just another one of Snoke’s lies. His belief is borne out when he suddenly sees Rey before him, walking resolutely--does she ever walk any other way?--toward something or other.  For a moment, he thinks she’s actually there, but then he realizes that it’s a trick of the Force when she evaporates before him, giving way to the same rushing masses he always sees in the streets of whatever city he’s in for the moment.

 

But, even as he’s blown by the wind, he knows that things are looking ever so slightly up for him.  The fact that he’d seen her at all meant that the Force wasn’t finished. 

 

The Force had been the only constant in his life.  People, even family, came and went. He’d never really had friends to speak of.  His parents had feared him; his uncle had tried to kill him; Snoke had used him. The fact that the Force had been the cause of all of those things didn’t escape Ben.  But now, the Force had sent him into Rey’s path or sent Rey into his--or both. 

 

He trusts the Force; it’s the only thing that’s never left him.  It makes sense, then, to start on the rest of his life with only the Force at his side.  With this new clarity, Ben feels less buffeted by his emotions; the storm has calmed around him.  

He is still the Supreme Leader of the First Order.  He’d be lying if he said he didn’t giggle about giving General Hux fits over his “disappearances.” He has less than a care to spare over whether giggling might be unbecoming to the Supreme Leader.

 

Kylo sort of loves tying Hux in knots this way. Hux doesn’t like not knowing where Kylo is.  As much as Hux craves power, he’s extremely bad at operating when he’s unsure of the authority over him.  Hux hates Kylo’s authority, but can’t afford to question it. Hux still has nightmares about having his airway closed off by something he can’t see.  Kylo cherishes Hux’s fear, only because he knows that’s what will keep Hux in line.

 

He’s rethinking so many things.  His aspirations to his grandfather’s role suddenly seem hollow.  Snoke had encouraged him to cultivate a frightening, mysterious persona, and he’d bought into it to a now-embarrassing degree.  The mask, the swirling dark robes, the modulated voice--things that he’d thought were bringing him closer to his legacy--were simply barriers between himself and the universe.  His awkward, overemotional face needed to be covered to be taken seriously. His large body, with its gawky movements, needed to be draped somberly to strike fear.

 

He’d tried hard to become the masked terror Snoke wanted him to be--the rightful heir to Vader’s menace.  Since he’d first seen Rey, though, he couldn’t bear the idea of her fearing him. She’d hidden it well; indeed, he was drawn to her bravery.  But it was the tiny quaver in her voice that had him impulsively removing his helmet before he even knew what he was doing. 

 

She was something he hadn’t accounted for; but as soon as he’d experienced her once, he knew that his first tongue-tied encounter with her was just a start.  When he’d felt her in the Force, his world spun. Even after she’d escaped him, left him on the cold ground of a dying planet, he knew. She burned so bright.  Even slightly seared as he was by her, he had to have more. Kylo was always slightly afraid when he thought of her, gave himself over to reveries, let his head spin, fearing rebuke at any moment.  Any moment until he remembered that his mind was his own, that was. 

 

It's still a struggle to wrench his thoughts away, to remember that for the first time in a long time, he's the only occupant of his own head. And that's why he's taking this time, away from everything that awaited the Supreme Leader up in the Imperator.  Hux can hang, for all Kylo cares. 

 

Down here, among the masses of beings that pass before him every day, Ben Solo is just a man.  He finds that he rather likes that, even if he doesn’t understand exactly why.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by A-ha's ["Time and Again."](https://youtu.be/18bpmTL2enk)


End file.
